Four years ago, around 24thAugust, I had this insane urge of being heard, I did not ramble what was going on with me then, I just wrote a small blog celebrating Janmashtami. That was my third or fourth attempt at blogging or precisely writing. I had failed so far, and I was sure I would fail again. But actually I didn’t. I kept writing stupid words, until someone actually heard what I was writing. And then one and two and twenty people came and ACTUALLY read what I had to say, and what was even more surprising was that they talked to me about themselves, shared their stories, and lent me some grace and consolation. They did not judge me.
Today, I am sure most of them have gone away from this blog, drifted away and have found better places to do things at. I am not complaining, this was and this still is a safe place for me. I haven’t been consistent at writing either, writing my blogs I mean. Of late I have been only sharing short snippets, tales, my experiences, my books and my poetries but it has been so long that I feel like I have actually blogged. I don’t know myself what I want to say by this, or what I mean, but today, I need a place to vent, I need to write, I need to be heard, I need those strangers, I need this safe screen.
No, the first thing is, don’t assume something is wrong, that is, if you are reading this in the first place. There is nothing wrong with me, my surroundings, my life. In fact in three days time my second poetry collection comes out. The first one has been well received, even if not a bestseller, and I am participating in nanowrimo2020 this year. I am reading good books, and am a few books short of a 100 books this year. I am on a roll! I should feel ecstatic.
But I don’t! The problem is that someone whose book goes live in a couple of days should be too happy but I am not as thrilled as should be. Again, nothing is wrong with me. It is someone else or to be precise anyone or anything in someone else’s life is my trigger for now. It sounds stupid, selfish, and too petty but anything that happens around these days bothers me more than it should. I cannot, not think about it. It’s like a trigger. Anything happens and I become tensed throughout my veins. It has become like a small button, anything anyone else goes through, and I am on my feet, knowing not what to do. I won’t exaggerate much; I don’t intend to trigger someone else here too. But it’s getting difficult.
I know this year has been difficult for everyone; I am not the only one going through things. In fact, there are people who have had serious troubles this year, like SERIOUS ones. And it really sounds petty when I cry out loud for nothing, but it is a little difficult now. I am trying to avoid, ignore, accept, mediate, exercise, eat healthy, stay safe. What else is there! Even as I write this, I sound like a vulnerable, needy, clingy, spoilt person, but just for today, may be don’t judge, may be just listen, may be let me vent! I promise I’ll try more.
Moushmi Radhanpara 
Leave a reply to calmkate Cancel reply